The first series came to a sensational, phenomenal and genuinely mind-boggling conclusion … by ruining the greatest love story of our age

Did he play a blinder? Or did the faithfuls just play really – I mean sensationally, phenomenally, mindbogglingly badly? We will argue over this on social media feeds galore, but either way the winner of the first – but surely not the last – series of The Celebrity Traitors is the treacherous Alan Carr. When first anointed by that collection of cloaks, cuffs and curt instructions we have come to know as presenter Claudia Winkleman, we thought he wouldn’t last an hour. Nor did he. “I feel sick. I’ve got a sweating problem and can’t keep a secret.” He also cannot whisper or remember whether he’s won a shield. Surrounded, however, by some of the daftest players of the game since records began (2022 here, 2021 in its native Netherlands), he made it through, having grown into the role with terrifying ease. He finished with a flourish, bursting into semi-crocodile tears about how hard it had been for him to bear the murderous burden. The two surviving faithfuls, Nick Mohammed and David Olusoga, rushed to comfort him (“It’s been tearing me apart!”). At home, Paloma Faith raises her face to the heavens and screams.

At the start of the final, there had been five surviving competitors of the original 19. After one last group mission, involving a steam train, £20,000 in padlocked caskets, keys and clues dispersed throughout the carriages, and two chain-wrapped coffins (“I took the lead a bit there,” says Joe Marler of the unwrapping. “Because I was happy to lose a finger”), they assembled for their last round table. Cat and Alan cast their votes for David, despite the historian’s impressive record of reasoning himself to every wrong conclusion possible. I remain firm in my belief that David would have made the world’s greatest traitor, but as a faithful he was catastrophic. He did manage to vote for Cat at the table, however, and she was correctly banished at last.

Who is driving the populist insurgency? It’s not grumpy pensioners or vulnerable teenagers – it’s my generation

If in doubt, we used to talk about the weather. Or if not that, then why the trains were late again, or how sweet someone’s baby was: the kind of routine bland nothings you exchange with strangers on the street. But something about the way we speak in public is changing.

A few days ago I was in Aldi, making the usual small talk at the checkout. When the cashier said she was exhausted from working extra shifts to make some money for Christmas, the man behind me chipped in that it would be worse once “she takes all our money” (in case Rachel Reeves was wondering, her budget pitch-rolling is definitely cutting through). Routine enough, if he hadn’t gone on to add that she and the rest of the government needed taking out, and that there were plenty of ex-military men around who should know what to do, before continuing in more graphic fashion until the queue fell quiet and feet began shuffling. But the strangest thing was that he said it all quite calmly, as if political assassination was just another acceptable subject for casual conversation with strangers, such as football or how long the roadworks have gone on. It wasn’t until later that it clicked: this was a Facebook conversation come to life. He was saying out loud, and in public, the kind of thing people say casually all the time on the internet, apparently without recognising that in the real world it’s still shocking – at least for now.

Gaby Hinsliff is a Guardian columnist

Iraq 2003-2004

‘Tonight or never,’ the men helping me said. ‘Meet us in the alley. Eight-thirty’

In 1965, I was 19 and living in East Berlin. West Berlin was glamorous. They had ­everything: shoes, cars, food. But we had almost nothing. When bananas were imported once or twice a year, the queues stretched further than I had ever seen.

My brother and I were desperate to get out. We’d hang around the checkpoints, hoping to befriend a West Berliner. Occasionally, they took pity and sent us packages. But escaping was rare – and expensive. Most who managed it had paid thousands of marks.

A colossal volcanic eruption in January 2022 ripped apart the underwater cables that connect Tonga to the world – and exposed the fragility of 21st-century life

By Samanth Subramanian. Read by Raj Ghatak

With a towering new album about female saints in 13 languages, she’s pop’s boldest star – and one of its most controversial. She revisits her spiritual breakthroughs, and explains why we need forgiveness instead of cancel culture

Rosalía Vila Tobella is just as bored as you are of pop music functioning as gossip column fodder, with lyrics full of hints of rivalries and betrayal. “I’m tiring of seeing people referencing celebrities, and celebrities referencing other celebrities,” she says. “I’m really much more excited about saints.”

The 33-year-old Catalan musician and producer’s monumental fourth album, Lux, draws on the lives of dozens of female saints, inspired by “feminine mysticism, spirituality” and how lives of murder, materialism and rebellion could light the way to canonisation. Rosalía reels them off. Her gothic, operatic new single Berghain borrows from the 12th-century German abbess Hildegard of Bingen (cited like Madonna these days by experimental female musicians). “She had these visions that would pierce her brain. There’s also Vimala, who wrote poetry but was a prostitute, and she ended up becoming a saint because she was one of the first women who wrote in the Therīgāthā,” an ancient Buddhist poem collection written by nuns.

Steve Reed says the way to fix the issue ‘is not tittle tattle about David Lammy in the newspapers’

Ed Davey has called for Andrew Mountbatten Windsor, formerly Prince Andrew, to give evidence before the US Congress and UK parliament over his links to pedophile financier Jeffrey Epstein and his victims.

In a post on X, the Liberal Democrat leader wrote:

It’s right Andrew Mountbatten Windsor appears before US Congress over his links to Epstein and his victims. He should also give evidence to our parliament. The public deserve answers and full transparency about this scandal.

Mark Fellows, Lee Newell and David Taylor charged with murder of Kyle Bevan at high-security West Yorkshire prison

Three prisoners have been charged with the murder of a convicted child killer in a high-security West Yorkshire prison.

Kyle Bevan, 33, was found dead in his cell in HMP Wakefield on Wednesday morning. He was two and a half years into a minimum sentence of 28 years for murdering his partner’s two-year-old daughter, Lola James, in the family home in Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire, in 2020.

Exclusive: British government adopted ‘least ambitious’ option months before RSF’s massacres in El Fasher

Britain rejected atrocity prevention plans for Sudan despite intelligence warnings that the city of El Fasher would fall amid a wave of ethnic cleansing and possible genocide, according to a report seen by the Guardian.

Government officials turned down the plans six months into the 18-month siege of El Fasher in favour of the “least ambitious” option of four presented.

Exclusive: Woman who accused Karim Khan of misconduct was subject of covert operation involving two British private intelligence firms

The woman who has accused the prosecutor of the international criminal court of sexual abuse has been targeted by private intelligence firms as part of a covert operation said to have taken place on behalf of Qatar.

The Guardian can reveal details of the intrusive operation, which has obtained sensitive information about the woman, who works at the ICC, and her family members.